I was riding through Hampton University the other day and I saw the Pirate marching band practicing.  It reminded me when I was in the band.  I was a drummer. Yep, member of the junior marching band while in high school.  I was dedicated and worked hard to master my instrument.  I knew, one day, the band director would promote me to the senior marching band.  And I couldn’t wait!!   Yessiree buddy!  Wearing that royal blue & white uniform, marching in a parade, performing during halftime of football games, having all the girls call out my name while I kept a ferocious beat, yeah boy, bring it on, I’m ready like Freddy.  Then the day came when the band director said, “Thomas, you’re in the senior band.”  Talk about being happy!  I heard a choir singing “Oh Hap-py Da-ayy.”  I was SO full of joy!  I felt like a kid on Christmas Day!!  Then I heard the band director add, “Be at practice tomorrow morning at 6.”  “SIX?!?  Cuse me…….Six a clock?  In da MOANIN’?”  “That’s right, six in the morning, be there.”  Yeah well, so much for being in the band!  Time to try out for the football team.  Shoot, I’m too big to be playing in the band anyway.  Funny thing, after I made the football team……. coach had us practicing at SIX IN DA MOANIN’!!!  Aw man, at least the band had girls.  You ever smelled a football locker room at SIX N DA MOANIN’?  It’ll mess up your entire day!!  Have you in home eck class all day baking cookies……..just cuz it smelled good.

I checked out a new food establishment the other day, well, new to me.  I’ve been past it several times and each time it’s packed but today it wasn’t, so I figured I’d check it out.  Upon entering, much to my surprise, it was a burger joint.  Now, I’m not a big fan of red meat.  Matter of fact, I stopped eating it totally about 17 years ago.  However, about 15 years ago, I took my son to Disney World in Orlando, Florida.  We travelled by train from Washington, DC……21 hours……ONE WAY!!  Just before we boarded the train for the return trip, we stopped at a restaurant.   I (being extremely hungry) decided to get a big fat juicy steak.  Oh, it was so Gee double O – Dee good!!  We left the restaurant and boarded the train for the 21 HOUR ride home.  Fifteen minutes after the train left the station, my stomach started to freak out!  It sounded and felt like a herd of wild elephants were fighting a pride of lions during the migration of the wildebeests on the Serengeti.  If bathroom run was an Olympic event, I would have won gold and set a new world record.  Talk about a miserable 21 hour ride….. bathroom run, two times a hour for twenty one hours….. bounced up and down, side to side, back & forth.  And when I wasn’t making a bathroom run, I was trying to fend off this 70 year old drunk woman who thought I was cute!  Rather than going through that type of misery again, I decided to eat red meat once a month.  So, I ordered a bacon burger combo…..burger with bacon, regular fries, and a regular drink.  Paid with a credit card, got my receipt and waited for my grub…..and waited…….and waited…..and waited.  While waiting, I looked at my receipt.  “Hey, hold  up…..’cuse me ma’am, uh, you made a mistake………you charged me $10.27, I got the bacon burger combo, that’s  $5.89.”  She said, “sir….we don’t sell combo’s.  You buy everything a la carte.”   I’m thinking…..A LA CARTE?  What is this, Chez (Shay) Burger?  Oh, we French now huh!  So, I’m standing there with my mouth open, looking at the a la carte menu…….waiting……waiting…….and waiting for my grub. Then it dawns on me, I just paid over $10 for a burger, fries and a soda!  WHAT THE……!  OH THIS BETTER BE THE BEST BURGER EVER MADE OR THOUGHT OF IN THE NEXT TEN LIFETIMES!  TEN DOLLARS!!!  WHAT’S THE NAME OF THIS PLACE!!   FIVE GUYS?!?  Oh!  That’s the problem!  You see, there’s only ONE Burger King, ONE Wendy, ONE Carl’s Jr. and ONE Ronald McDonald but there are FIVE guys……..that’s TWO DOLLARS A GUY.  Get rid of some of those guys and reduce the price.   Suggestion….why not call it “This Guy” or “Him” or “Guy with Burger” or even “His’n!”  C’mon man…..Ten Dollars!  Child Please!!

It’s Sunday night and I’m chillin’ watching pre-season football.  Man, I’m glad football is back even if it IS a game between two teams I dislike (Dallas & Cincinnati).  I don’t care.  I’m watching!!!  I wuz watching an “On Demand” movie till I remembered the game was on.  The movie was…….well…..different.  It’s entitled “Repo Man.”  I figured it was about cars being repo’d.  Not quite!  It was about transplanted body parts being repo’d.  Huh?  Yep!  The repo man would shoot you with a stun gun and repo that liver, heart, kidney or whatever.  What kind of demented mind came up with this?  I figure I’ll finish watching it tomorrow.

Last week, the Boy Scouts celebrated an anniversary.  That reminded me of my time as a scout.  I made it to the rank of “First Class.”  To progress farther than that, you had to have merit badges.  But for what we were good at, they didn’t have merit badges.  You know, things like “macking” the ladies or playing the dozens.  The only hike we did was to hike a football.  I remember this particular camping trip, one of the guys brought TV dinners to eat.  You ever tried to cook a TV dinner over an open fire?

I guess the Scouts got me ready for the Army……well, kinda….. but not really.  The only things in common were you wore a uniform and you camped out (the Army called it a “field exercise.”)  Yeah, well, I’ve never been the outdoors type.  Every time I went to the field, I complained so much, they sent me back to garrison (civilization).  In the morning, to wash yourself, put water in your helmet.  COLD WATER!  Huh?  Gotta go to the bathroom for #2, dig a hole. “WHOA, WHOA, WHOLE UP NOW, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!  Man, its’ bugs and reptiles crawling around out here!  I ain’t squatting over no hole!  Besides, I’m personnel!  I’m SUPPOSE to be in an office somewhere!”  One time I had to pull guard duty at a place called NATO two six.  They gave me a M16 and 5 bullets.  FIVE BULETS!! Are you kidding!  It was so dark out there, I couldn’t see light……. but I could hear.  And I heard something in the bushes.  So I loaded my weapon and hollered, “Al-ight, don’t be no fool” (I was supposed to say “Advance & be recognized.”)  Then, I heard another sound from dem bushes.  I locked a round in the chamber (meaning I loaded one o dem bullets) and put my weapon on automatic.  I’m ready to rock & roll baby! That’s right, I was now…..RAM-BRO!!  I hollered ”Bring it on!!”  It was at that time that this big, huge, 3 foot, 90 pound RABBIT came running from outta da bushes toward me.  The only thing faster than that rabbit was ME!  I dropped my weapon and hauled ____.  I was headed for the guard shack…….till it dawned on me………. I’m RUNNING from a rabbit!  I can’t let my boys know I’m running from a rabbit AND I DROPPED MY WEAPON (actually, I threw it at him as I was running backwards).  So I went back, picked up my weapon, and hid inside a deuce and a half (big ole Army truck) till my watch was over.  To this day, none of my Army buddies know this story, so I’d appreciate it, if you kept it to yo’self.

Theee concert of the year was just held at Norfolk’s Town Point Park…..The Norfolk Jazz Festival!!  OH MY GOODNESS!!!  WHAT A SHOW!!  Not one but two nights of jazz fusion/contemporary jazz.  As the kids say or used to say…IT WAS OFF THE CHAIN or HOOK or something!!!  I don’t know what it was off but I do know, (in plain English) it was good!!  Friday night featured Lonnie Liston Smith, Tom Browne, Roy Ayers, Ronnie Laws and Wayne Henderson.  They were billed as the Giants of Jazz Fusion and giants they are.  Each artist took the stage individually, and played some of their hits.  The artist that was on stage introduced the next artist (Lonnie intro’d Tom, Tom intro’d Roy, etc).  The band backed up each artist thereby eliminating set up time in between sets.  They flowed from one artist to the other with no lag time in between.  The roadies were loving it!!  They set the stage up to start and broke it down at the end and got PAID!  The finale was all these giants playing together as one, song after song after song.  Ronnie Laws even played two horns (tenor and alto sax) at the same time!!  The only person on the stage under the age of fifty was the drummer Lee Pearson and he took playing the drums to another level……blindfolded balancing one drum stick on his head while playing like a madman with the other hand and two feet.  The man never missed a beat!!!!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!  These cats played classic songs like “Expansions,” “Everybody Loves the Sunshine,” “Jamaica Funk,” “Always There” and “Keep That Same Old Feeling.”  The audience and I were mentally transported back to the 70’s and 80’s by an everlasting timeless groove.  Add to that the gentle continuous breeze blowing across the Elizabeth River that made the heat of the day bearable and you have a trip that was inspired and blessed by God.  Even my wife left me alone cause she knew I had been waiting for this night a long time.  She hung out with Theressa Brown and Cocoa Butter…….. hmmmmm.  I don’t think they heard any of the music, they were going from VIP tent to VIP tent to free food stand to everything in between.  By the time I saw them (at the end of the show), my thoughts were “man, if this was the 70’s or 80’s, all of y’all would be coming with me tonight.”  Later, I was re-living the show with my wife Pam and she had no idea what I was talking about.  She didn’t see or hear any of what I was talking about.  I don’t know who had more fun……..ME or THEM!!  The entire evening was surreal.  Good people, good music, and good times. ……. and it continued on Saturday night.  That’s right, day two of the Norfolk Jazz Festival.  It featured saxophonist Pamela Williams (whose personality was as bubbly as the day was hot), Fattburger (whose latin infused grooves were the only thing hotter than the day) and Jeff Lorber Fusion (who brought the cool to close out a hot day) featuring Eric Marienthal  and Hampton Va’s own Ronnie Jenkins (on bass).  TWO GLORIOUS NIGHTS OF JAZZ AT TOWN POINT PARK IN NORFOLK, VA!!  I wish I could back those nights up and repeat them but like Suga says, “I can’t do this!” (you had to be there to understand).  Lord willing, I can’t wait till next year’s Norfolk Jazz Festival.

Ahhh yes…..the Summer!  That time of year for…….. Vacation Bible School and Summer Camp!  First, let’s talk about Vacation Bible School or VBS.  Now, when I was a kid, all I heard was the word SCHOOL!  Immediately, I was not interested in attending….. at all….. period.  I mean, hey, I just got out of school for what was supposed to be the entire summer!  Now, you want me to go back and you’re trying to trick me by calling it “VACATION.”   Ohhhh NO!!  It didn’t matter that it was ONLY two weeks and ONLY half a day, I didn’t want to go.  I kept thinking homework and teachers yelling and swinging that ruler or yardstick at you (corporal punishment was a part of regular school when I was a kid…..that meant the teacher could whup your butt).  I told my mom, “I ain’t going.”  That was a bad move.  Back then, you didn’t tell yo momma what you ain’t gon do because the thing you may not do is LIVE!!  After I got to the church, I hoped beyond reason that they showed plenty of filmstrips so at least a kid could catch some zzzzzz’s.  Much to my surprise, by the time VBS got going on a daily basis, it was time to leave.  I was home watching TV & eating pnut butter crackers (more about them later) by 12:30 pm.  The teachers at VBS weren’t real teachers, they were the high school students that attended our church.  And some of those high school girls were FINE (I could tell that even at a young age).  They told us Bible stories, real cool Bible stories (Solomon, Samson, David & Goliath, etc), we had arts & crafts, we sang and we got snacks…..real cool snacks like pnut butter on crackers.  Matter of fact, those were the best pnut butter crackers I have EVER had.  Even to this date, if I make them myself, they just don’t taste like the ones I got at VBS as a kid.  Course now, we had to buy those snacks.   But it didn’t cost a lot.  You could get 10 peanut butter crackers for 3 cents, a half pint of milk was 4 cents (gotta  have milk with pnut butter crackers you know), ice cream was a nickel and so forth (they were teaching us of purchasing power).  For Arts & Crafts, we worked with clay, pipe cleaners, popsicles sticks, beads, and so on.  Then on the last day of VBS, we got to do something (sing a song, recite verses, perform a skit, etc) in front of everyone else and we all were awarded a certificate for attending.  Yeah, VBS was cool and fun.  I hope the kids attending VBS now have as much fun as I had back in the day, which brings us to summer camp.  THAT WAS A WHOLE DIFFERENT TRIP!!  It was sponsored by The Boys’ Club (now The Boys & Girls Club).  Anything sponsored by The Boys’ Club was on point…….most of the time.  Summer camp was a week long and they would provide daily transportation to the camp site.  We only stayed overnight the night before the last day of camp.  I always looked forward to summer camp even though I knew at some point I would get into a fight and would probably get beat up.  You see, I was big for my age.  A 3rd or 4th grader the size of a 7th or 8th grader and it was rough being the size of a 7th/8th grader possessing the fighting skills of a 3rd/4th grader.  It seems like I always got beat up…… at least once every camp.  I remember this older kid bet me a dime he could make me spit blood.  I told him no he couldn’t and accepted the bet.  That boy hit me dead square in the mouth….. then told me to spit.  Wouldn’t you know it, there was blood.  I got popped in the mouth and lost a dime. I told him I could make him spit blood too.  And I would have, if he would have hung around after stomping me into the ground.  There was however, one group that was happy to see me at every summer camp……. the mosquito’s.  They would swarm to me.  I was the special of the day at the mosquito diner.  The menu must have read ”dark meat blood for you all day suckers, get him while he’s here.”  I had so many mosquito bumps, it looked like a heat rash.  Add to that, usually, I’d find a way to fall into the river that we camped alongside.  I walked out one time with a little fish in my pocket, scared the bee-gee-bers out of me.  I did get the chance to play team sports, cook hot dogs over an open fire, make things (arts & crafts), sing songs, tell stories, hike through the woods, learn about nature (I still know poison ivy & oak when I see it) and make lifelong friendships (even with some of those older guys who beat me up).  Ahhhh yes, the Summer!!

The concert scene continues here in Hampton Roads.  This past weekend, it was the 70’s Soul Jam.  Make no mistake about it, I was definitely in my element.  Harold Melvin’s Blunotes featuring Sharon Paige, Blue Magic, The Delfonics and The Stylistics took the stage at Ntelos Pavilion (a beautiful venue adjacent to the Elizabeth River in Portsmouth).  Everybody there was transported back to the decade of “free love”.  The only things missing were afros, bell bottom pants, stack heel shoes and the tell-tale aroma of marijuana wafting through the venue.  Being a product of the 70’s (meaning I’m older than cable TV), I’ve seen the acts before.   The first time I saw the Delfonics was at North Carolina A&T’s homecoming.  I was attending Livingstone College and playing football.  I faked an injury just so I couldn’t make the trip to an away game.  As soon as the bus left with my teammates, I jumped in my car and headed for Greensboro.  I was so pressed to get there, I passed the bus carrying the team on I-85.  When they got back, Coach told me he saw a purple car (that’s right PURPLE, hey I’m a Que) just like mine on I-85 but he knew it couldn’t be me cause I was hurt.  The homecoming show was in the gym and I couldn’t wait to see the Delfonics.  The fact that I didn’t have any money or a ticket to the show didn’t occur to me.  Thank goodness for my frat brothers (Omega Psi Phi Fraternity Inc.), they came to my rescue.  One of them left the back door to the gym unlocked and I squeezed through the little opening of the chained doors. “ I’M IN….BRING ON THE DELFONICS!!”  But first some new group came out…..somebody called…….The Funkadelics! “ Who are these…..NO, what in the world is THIS!  Is that dude wearing a baby bonnet and a DIAPER!   And are the rest of them dressed to go IN outer space or are they FROM outer space!   Look at the boots on this cat! And is that one wearing a cod piece!  Oh my goodness and what are they throwing out to the audience?”  At that time, one of what they were throwing landed at my feet.  It was then that I discovered……they were throwing out joints!  “C’mon man, ain’t no WAY this is real!  OH, OH……..WAAAAY!  Are you kidding?!?”  Needless to say, a funkateer was born THAT day.  I became a fan of Funkadelic and the spin off groups as well.   Then came the Delfonics, wearing CAPES.  Ohhhh my goodness!  The women went crazy!  I thoroughly enjoyed listening to the music and seeing them perform, albeit, through half opened eyes.  After the show, the women were still in a frenzy and the brothers of Mu Psi chapter were having an after party.  I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again ….. thirty some years later…..THANK YOU DELFONICS for a really enjoyable time (OH YEAH).  And that same saying goes for the 70’s Soul Jam as well.  THANK YOU Harold Melvin’s Blunotes featuring Sharon Paige, THANK YOU Blue Magic, THANK YOU Delfonics and THANK YOU Stylistics for taking me back to a time when the music was romantic & pure, when performers not only dressed the part but also did in sync choreography while singing and didn’t miss a note, when the audience was in harmony with the show and when no one had a beef with anyone else about anything.  Music is a time machine and through it you can relive anything.  Yeah, I’m old but I’m also fortunate and blessed because you can’t RELIVE until you LIVE.  I relived some great memories Saturday night.  And more memories are on the way….next up, the Norfolk Jazz Fest.  Bring it on!

Lots of people would like to get a raise but just don’t know how to go about it.  So, I’m here to help.  Just for you, the top ten ways to get a raise: 

Number 10 – Wear elevated shoes.

Number 9  -  Sit on a inflatable tube and blow.

Number 8 -   Get in a hot air balloon and look down as you go up.

Number 7 -   Climb a tree or ladder while your friend stays on the ground.

Number 6 -   Ride an express elevator or a slow escalator.

Number 5 -   Stay in your car while it’s on a lift getting an oil change.

Number 4 -   Walk on your tippy toes.

Number 3 -   Jump on a trampoline or pogo stick.

Number 2 -   Get a job in the shipyard as a crane operator. 

And the number one way to get a raise:

For men – Watch porn.

For women – Implants.

If you like concerts, Hampton Roads, VA is the place to be……during the summer, that is.  RnB, Jazz, Country, Rock, Pop, Hip Hop, it doesn’t matter.  They (ARTISTS) all come this way…..during the summer, that is.  I’m not a big concertgoer (excluding Jazz) but recently, I’ve had a change of heart.  I considered checking out Hall & Oates, on the beach at the Va. Beach Oceanfront (which is blissful…the music, the water) but it was FREE.  That translated to 40,000 PEOPLE, 20,000 CARS and ZERO parking.  “I CAN’T GO FOR THAT! NAW, NOOOO….NO CAN DO!”  Then, Maxwell & Jill Scott came to town.  I’ve never seen either of them, nor had I ever gone to the Va. Beach Amphitheater.  OK, two birds with one stone.  Show started at 7 pm.  In order to get convenient parking, you had to be there by 4 pm.  I got there at 7:45 pm.  Needless to say, I had to park in RICHMOND which meant in order to get to the amphitheater, the wife and I had to take……”A LONG WALK, AROUND THE PARK, AFTER DARK!”  And the temperature was about 94 with 100% humidity.  By the time this “BROTHA” got to his seat, I was soaked to my “draws.”  Jill was good though, I mean, the two songs that I saw were on point.  Now it’s time for Maxwell (who reminded me of Marvin Gaye).  The heat & humidity was stifling.  I was waiting for Pharaoh to order me to get more straw (Hebrew slave).  I saw people drinking these huge slurpees, so I figured I’d get a couple.  The attendant said, “That’ll be 28 dollars.” $28 DOLLARS!  How “FORTUNATE” that this robbery is not at gunpoint.  I said forget it, just give me a little “SUMTHIN SUMTHIN” with ice.  Got one soda for 6 dollars, we shared it.  Marvin Gaye….uh…Maxwell, was good but it was so miserably muggy, I couldn’t enjoy the show.  Last night, we went to the Hampton Jazz Festival.  I don’t usually go the “Jazz” festival because first, it’s not a “Jazz” festival (it’s a music festival) and second, the acoustics are so horrible in the Coliseum, the music sounds muddled.  But I wanted to see Down to the Bone (the only Jazz artists on the bill last night). I saw them, but didn’t really hear them.  They were first, so after them, I was ready to go. But the wife wanted to see Joe.  I’m like “NA, NA, NA”…. I don’t think this classifies as “ALL THE THINGS (YOUR MAN WON’T DO)” but it was ONE of them or so I thought.  I sat out on the concourse while she enjoyed Joe.  After Joe, I text her, let’s go.  But she wanted “MORE & MORE.”  Now, she wanted to see Teena Marie.  Oh no!  Now I’m “OUT ON A LIMB” or should I say, out on the concourse…..again.  This is definitely not my idea of “SHANGRA LA.”  And you know she wanted to see “CHARLIE, LAST NAME WILSON.”  So I have to be contented sitting on the concourse, listening to the bouncing, muddling sound of the music while watching former divas and playas from the Himalayas work it like they did in the 70’s and 80’s (which really wasn’t all that bad cuz I saw some SIGHTS!) But hey, my time is coming July 23rd & 24th.  You see, that’s the Norfolk Jazz Festival (the real Jazz Festival) featuring Lonnie Liston Smith, Roy Ayers, Wilton Felder, Tom Browne, Ronnie Laws, Fattburger and Jeff Lorber Fusion at Town Point Park in Norfolk.  I can’t wait to spend some “QUIET MOMENTS” with “GOOD VIBRATIONS” as we “INHERIT THE WIND” of “JAMAICA FUNK.”  “EVERY GENERATION” will appreciate the “JOY” of jazz in the “CITY.”  See ya there!

Part 1 of the 5th Annual Jazz Performance Series featuring Gerald Veasley.